Xochiqueztal’s Pea Soup…(heehee!)

When I was a wee little Elf; my mommy would make split pea and ham soup on Samhain as a special meal. (The harvest hog as its called.) We were mostly vegetarian but on special occasions and especially through the winter she would feed me a small amounts of meat. Her split pea soup was always my favorite.

We had a running joke which to me never seemed to get old. It must have been one of the very first times she fed it to me I asked; “what makes it taste so good?”… “I dunno”… she replied between bites, ‘…there’s peas, ham… baby carrots… Mmph-baby potatoes… vegetables, and… Spices…” (She trailed off and was no longer listening to me.) I thought for sure that there must have been some magical ingredient in it and my inquiring little mind wanted to know exactly what Spice it was. I vaguely remember how she coyly went about eating the soup and not really listening to me… Until I was like: “Mom! What else is in it!?” “…HAM… Its the Ham your tasting…” I assured her that I knew what the Ham tasted like and it was something else like Oregano…  “I didn’t put Oregano in it.” she said smugly… “Then what!?”  Finally she turned and said: “I peed in it… Whaddya think!?” -I walked right into that one… 

I thought this was hilarious! “NO! Mom!; What’s really in it?”

“I just told you! I peed in it… I pissed in your Pea soup!” I laughed so hard I thought I would die. I laughed until my cheeks cramped and I struggled to breathe. But my interrogation went on for apparently too long until she threatened to never make it again. “Okay fine!” I dropped it. Then the next year a similar thing happened. I once again berated her as to what the secret ingredient was and once again she assured me that it was urine and that she indeed pissed in my Pea soup. I of course wasn’t around to help her make it so I didn’t know for sure if she did. Once again I went on and on trying to get a straight answer as what was actually in the soup and again; just like last time when had enough she threatened to never ever make it again unless I shut up about it immediately. Fine. The conversation was over until next year.

This situation didn’t seem to change much; time and time again, it became a lot like a yearly ritual between us. After a few times I didn’t even care about what the secret ingredient was; I just wanted to know; was my mother actually peeing in my soup? By virtue of me actually wondering this should give you an idea as to the character of my Mother. My mother of course wasn’t mean but she was full of surprises and sometimes (most of the time) rather unpredictable and extremely unconventional. She was a Soror/Witch and what she thought was appropriate or inappropriate conversation was never something I could totally lock down and because of this I rarely had friends over. Which is typical I suppose; mothers in general like to talk about their sons; and sometimes those conversation veer into eye-rolling or embarrassing territory.

She would only ever make the soup like once a year; and I suppose it was pretty normal split pea and ham soup. Nothing too fancy but it was totally different than any store bought kind. I guess the spices would change from time to time but the joke always stayed the same. I remember one year in my teens I sat down and we had been having some sort of disagreement. I don’t recall what about; nothing important we just weren’t in the usual mood or at least I was definitely not and was probably trying to forget about her zany behavior. Anyhow; of course, just before I took the first bite she chimes in: “I peed in it by the way… Just the way you like it!” Our little storm before this very old joke somehow made it even more hilarious. What I remember most is the devilish little grin that accompanied her announcement. Her little mouth curled slightly the corners; much like it would when she was trying to tell me some bold faced lie. A smug little grin of unprecedented complacency and self satisfaction. This was perhaps what made me crack up more than anything but for some reason it seemed like she might be telling the truth. Maybe I was just trying to taste urine at that point but that particular pot of her soup did seem to have a slight pissy flavor… but if it did it somehow went well with the taste and so I didn’t complain.

Note how Audrey’s little mouth curls at its corners…

After this I tried to convince myself that it was just a joke; “My mom would never pee in my soup! Its just a stupid thing we do that has become a ridiculous tradition; a simple and incredibly childish joke that for some reason never gets old…” The thing was she never served it to any of my friends or relatives. It was just me and her. That alone should have given it away.

She was a witch after all and as such she did do weird things like powder her placenta and put it into capsules. She also gave me a handkerchief she menstruated on along with a sword for my fourteenth birthday. Things like that; stuff you keep to yourself and hope to G-d your friends never find out about out. There were a lot of subjects that if I got a sense she might start talking about to acquaintances I would spontaneously butt in; “Well its been good talking to you peeps but we need to be leaving…” And evidently she did. The original secret ingredient was Cilantro but at some point she began soaking the Peas in her own urine, I guess its why I can remember her one whole life later and on a different planet and light stream. This particular recipe is actually one of “seven bowls of wrath” mentioned in the Book of Revelation. So Happy Apocalypse!

The Recipe is actually a potion or a “witches brew” and does indeed have Magickal properties and is as follows:

  1. Soak whole yellow Peas in fresh (female) Urine for sixteen hours on or as close to a full moon as possible. -The woman must totally refrain from drinking any flavored beverages such as coffee or alcohol or even tea as these will effect the taste of the Peas; Only water. If you need a lot of urine at one time a Unicorn mares piss can be substituted instead of your own.
  2. Prepare a separate pot of vegetable broth with ham in what ever form one prefers, (cubed ham that has been seared is the authors recommendation) but if  one is lazy a ham bone can work as well. Add what ever savory spices one prefers to taste; Thyme, Chili pepper, Rosemary, etc./Savory spices are the authors preference. My mother added capers once; which were alright I guess. Add vegetable such as match stick Carrots, cubed Potatoes, etc. Thinly sliced onions etc. The author would recommend against adding celery or fennel (at least at this stage) as these will conflict with the aforementioned spices and tends to hijack the palatte. Garlic should also be avoided but if desired is better separately served as garlic toast. Ham and garlic don’t really go together as far as I am concerned. Do not add grains like Barley or Rice as these tend to suck up the broth and render the soup into a sticky gluey sludge, however one may wish to pour the soup over (jasmine) rice as this recipe also makes a good rice bowl.
  3. Drain the Peas from the Urine-marinate and add the Peas to the broth, bring the soup to a low-medium boil for uncovered for 1 hour. If a few drops of pee gets into the soup its not a huge deal just don’t under any circumstance dump all the pee in the actual soup; as it will ruin it. duh.
  4. Bring the soup down to medium low for another 45 mins, stirring occasionally If fennel is a must for the reader add a few thinly sliced stalks in the last 5-10 mins of cooking.
  5. Let stand for 10 mins then serve with sauteed sliced green and red peppers and mushrooms on the top; and garnish with fresh finely chopped Coriander…
  6. Serve with Garlic toast or biscuits on the side…
  7. Enjoy!