I often think the life that I was born into as an unfortunate mistake. My parents didn’t plan to have me. Being the oldest of five I quickly became the lowest priority of parents who were already dealing with a long list of their own issues not to mention other children. I am not complaining because many had it and still have it worse. But in my case it’s hard not to notice that it would have been better for everyone if I never was.
Being raised in such circumstance it’s not hard to see why I was cursed with the writers germ. Despite all my literary short comings I still continue to write. The story that wont go away is actually based on what I believe to be memories from a previous life. What may initially sound like a pretentious fantasy of an unpublished and failed writer has become a story which my real life has become a reflection of. Making my life as a human feel completely backwards. I love my parents; both of them but I also feel like my experiences of harassment and plagiary have forever separated me from that which is normal. A statement like that might sound solemn but coming from me it’s an understatement. The curious thing is; this isn’t necessarily a complaint, I am rich beyond measure even if I wear rags.
The matriarch in my story was a woman named Xochiqueztal Anne O Shadowtail; Or Xochia (shō-tsee-uh). The mythology should be obvious to anyone who reads it. Maybe my memory of Xochia was influenced by Truman Capote’s iconic character Holly Golightly; even before I ever read the book or watched the movie. It’s hard to say. My Xochia was more of a White-witch (or Soror) than a socialite. A kind of ‘Silly Sorceress’ who was nearly incapable of ever making an actual decision; the phrase “Happy Golucky” was my imagination of Truman’s Capote’s Scarlet Lady. When I did finally watch ‘Breakfast At Tiffany’s’ I was surprised to find that Holly was even more troubled than she was in the novella. The woman that I stole from Truman was definitely more responsible than the ending of the film portrays; but I was still enamored at how well Audrey Hepburn played the role. The timing of “Drama” lends itself well to medium of film so even its differences from the book are well with in boundaries of the characters spectrum of traits.
According to my Totem; my last life was spent on a neighboring planet commonly called ‘Venus Proper’. My story was written around a single memory of my fourteenth birthday. The memory came to me after my real life mother reminded me how as a child I had pestered her for a brother. I think it got its start from some splintered memories of a dream which slowly made sense as a free standing and symmetrical memory.
On the fourteenth birthday of my last life, my mother Xochia offered me a scarlet handkerchief which held a single drop of her essence along with a sword. What followed was a lecture on the difference between murder and killing. She informed me that anyone can Murder but that it takes a gentleman to Kill. According to her Murder was the theft of another’s life and would bring about a curse for exactly one life time… -A life for a life. Killing on the other hand; she defined as a fair resolution settled in proper combat. Murder was universally wrong but Killing was sometimes times necessary to protect and honor ones own commitments. By murdering one would certainly die… By killing one was choosing the next option up from suicide. One must meditate on this.
The handkerchief was a doorway to her womb; and by wiping my opponents blood from my blade I offer them a chance at a new life. She also explained that for every person I killed meant a new brother in the next life. I have struggled for years to explain this imagery from memory but the lesson she bestowed upon me was; ‘to always be careful whom you chose to fight and to always be fair with whom you kill’. She told me to never make enemies and treat even my most difficult and formidable adversaries as family. Family may at times fight and disagree but being part of a race means being part of a family. She also made a point of stressing that killing does not get rid of anything or anyone; that it is merely a temporary displacement of life energy. A murderer can never hide from his victim. Not in this life and certainly not the next. Nothing “goes away” and even memories have a ‘weight’. All things must be dealt with fairly; and above all else life is the most precious gift in the entire universe.
“… Most young boys worship violence and can easily be swept up in the excitement of war and death but nothing good ever comes from such chaos and disorder; “Isfet” will always make a bad playmate. Violence is the negative and nothing can ever go right in a fight. I hope someday you will fully understand the uselessness of such things and see the value in being a peace loving man; if you do, I will have succeeded as a good mother. You may be a bastard but your my little bastard. I chose you. ‘Please try to keep it that way if you ever go about deciding who lives and who dies; unless you want to have me host to an army…”
The bastard reference is of course yet another “tall tale”. According to memory the day she explained that I was her “little bastard” was also the day that she lied to me and told me that I was a “Titan prince who would some day conquer the Galaxy with magick.”
“You as a Titan prince have no need for a “father”; because if you had one, you would only kill him anyhow… So it’s just one less thing for you to do… Mhmm; you should be grateful you have a mother with such foresight!” Even though I have a good real life father this bold-faced lie has become one of my most sacred treasures. One that I am eternally grateful for if only because it makes for a good story. She was an amazing provider… I love my real life parents but I also have an unbreakable connection to a Fairy-Godmother. I know that it was just a dream but all the same its something I will never forget.
I am not a mental case I don’t hear voices or anything; but there is a phrase which sometimes bounces through my mind at times; Its sort of like the voice of Audrey Hepburn saying my name; ‘Starless! Go-lightly…’ This mantra always reminds me to be nice, be fair and always keep in mind that anything worth having may take a life time to fairly acquire. The story remains unfinished but its synopsis can be read here.