I am being harassed and I have been in denial about my situation since at least 2008. At that point I was mostly ignorant to most aspects of numbers and didn’t even have any of the cipher memorized. Having only ever used it for spells and to name a couple of characters I only had an isolated view of what its true function was. One night after doing some Ketamine I met and Angel that claimed she had found me through math. On Ketamine your biology is prevented from thinking and so I ended up verifying a few simple calculations about a month later and nearly fainted when the connection was “proven”. I am not a delicate sort of person so saying this says something in regard to the weight of the encounter. I didn’t like the Angel I had been given. I thought she was terrifying and I didn’t trust her and I didn’t want her to be real. Part of me still hopes she never really existed and that her existence and continued presence is some sort of artificial or man-made broadcast. It would seem that many people are curious about things like miracles or providence… but it’s often overlooked that once one of these events manifests itself in your life part of you “dies”. You are no longer able to wonder or question in the topic or subject open ended sense. It’s a mix of good and bad.
I am not a skeptic in the “Dana Scully” sense but all the same I just don’t care about anyone else’s beliefs. I have never been a full Atheist but I do despise organized religion even now. “I just don’t care to share” and my online ‘beakings’ are really only a reaction to various slights made against my character. I still have trouble seeing what possible good comes from getting together and “worshipping” and agreeing things already dead and written out. My beliefs have nothing to do with anyone else. If anything I have been a practicing Witch for nearly my whole life and any connection I felt to Abrahamic religions were spent when I read about the inquisitions and whatever. I was in grade six when I first heard about the Salem witch trials and have slowly investigated occult topics ever after.
When I was little I lived in the country and so I much preferred playing outside than being forced to attend the most boring place imaginable wearing the most uncomfortable clothes one could wear. It always seemed like such a rip off having to waste a perfectly good Sunday on “Church”. This is not to say that I am not a spiritual person; I have had countless wonderful things happen to me. So much so that I must avoid telling people the experiences just so they feel more comfortable or don’t think I am lying. On the occasions where I did make mention of this or that I got the feeling that those listening perhaps thought I was trying to out-do them or one-up them. I don’t really blame them for this because my experiences have been rather unbelievable. When I hear someone go on about how awesome their car is or whatever I stop listening… or at least try and tune out the egoic aspect. Few if any Earthlings can differentiate between genuine generosity and the boastful expressions of the “pseudo-enlightened”, so I definitely understand the resistance. And so I don’t really bother anymore. No one wants to hear about my meetings of Angels on Ketamine; it apparently cheapens it… apparently.
My recent experiences have catalyzed a turning point in my “faith”, if you could even call it such a thing. I have lost “faith” in the human process and this realization curiously coincides with the completion of the periodic table of elements. Who would have thought? But don’t get me wrong this isn’t some oh ‘woe-is-me’ realization. It only means that there aren’t any institutions that are my worthwhile. Fame and fortune are based on a negative; “they” always want more than you can feasibly give and will always take more than their fair share. All for what? So that I can be approached by strangers who tell me I make a good puppet? Even writing with the expectation of being read is a lost cause. My writings are only diary entries, I write because I like to do it not for feedback or validation. Lucky for me I just so happen to have a back-up genome so it’s no sweat off my sack. Plus I have been conditioned for this reality by some of the best authors this world has ever produced. I have had many Gurus who have helped me along.
Whatever it was that brought me here has turned out to be a total waste of time. I have only barely broken even and will only just have enough momentum to break through the outer boundary of this galactic hole. In any case I will likely be stranded with in the Tundra regions indefinitely. But at least I won’t be stuck here being treated like livestock by fallen Jews and evil Nicolaitons. There are after all better and fairer places than Earth, I know this because I remember them. I was warned that this area was bad and that many of those whom I once knew had fallen here, they told me not to be too quick to judge because even the most heart strong angels have been utterly wasted in this salt-pan of a singularity. The best way I can describe this feeling of disappointment is that everything in this modern time has the appearance of “Magick” but upon a closer inspection the illusion not only apparent but is also lined with an element of sickening and deliberate deceit. As I have already stated I know what miracles “look like”… they go on and on even if they temporarily dim to a faint glow. In the case of false glamour of Earthly technologies the initial sparkle always decays into something worse than what you could possibly have despaired on your own. It is a very specific pattern of disappointment which I don’t think I can rightfully explain without annihilating the readers over all sense of optimism and so perhaps I should just leave it at that. This Galaxy is a hole. And we can only see the stars in it because they are also caught in it. From the outside looking in the Milky Way is a vast and seething tar-pit hardly visible even to those with the darkest of intentions. All its “light” is counterfeit.
One of the most sickening things about this place is how a film production companies gathered information on me and has used my grade school crush as a ‘carrot’ to manipulate me. I fully admit that I am a fool for love and so I opted to throw caution to the wind and see it through. It is quite likely I have not only made a fool of myself but also embarrassed an unsuspecting woman as well. It’s not so much that I am embarrassed by any popular opinion as I now stand naked in front of the entire world. It just burns me that I played into the trap for something as silly as a grade school crush and a siren I once loved. For this I know it’s not really my shame. To take advantage of someone’s belief in and ideal as sacred as ‘love’ is surely one of the worst crimes commitable. But yet here I am in the thick of it… competing for last place…
I could go on and on crying about my plights but I think a change in aspirations would be much more productive. I have always strove to be a writer or artist or ideally something in between. But now I feel that being a Blacksmith or Metallurgist is my true calling. I feel inclined to work Iron first and be a Writer or Artist only second to this. From a moral perspective it could be seen as morally dubious to make a living making things like daggers of swords that could be used to kill but I find this prospect comforting. Knowing that I can create something to send some to heaven or hell seems like a right and true vocation for someone like me. It seems like something I can return to, something far beyond the reaches of the fickle impermanence of this this digital singularity.